Hello friends. I have missed you! I have sat down many times wanting to write a new post, but there is so much newness in our lives, so much being revealed in my heart and in the boys' hearts, so much learning, so much teaching, etc. that I just haven't been able to put down anything coherent. I'm still having that problem, but a post is long overdue, so please bear with me.
The boys have been home for almost five weeks. I find that very hard to believe. In many ways it feels like they've always been here. They certainly feel like our kids the more we see of their personalities. But I don't feel totally "established" as a Mama yet. You know when you move to a new place and it takes a while for it to feel like home? One day you just wake up and realize that it feels like home, but you can't put your finger on when it happened... Well, I'm still waiting for that day. I just don't feel quite settled yet.
The boys are fun and sweet, when they're not tattling on each other or fighting. We have a lot of work to do in those areas. The biggest problem is me. They occasionally argue over a toy, but generally it's a fight for Mama's affections. If one of them asks me to look at something and I look the other one immediately asks me to look at the same thing or at something else. If I pick up one the other pouts. If I give one some water the other suddenly needs water, too. If I hug and kiss one the other acts like he's being mistreated or unloved. I feel like they are keeping tallies of every glance, hug, piece of food, etc... I must admit I'm very weary from it all. I tell them I love them both and that they have to share me just as they have to share other things and that they must love another and respect each others' needs, but I know I just sound to them like Mike Brady giving Bobby & Cindy one of his babbling lectures. They try, all day, to get each other in trouble. They each want to see the other be punished. I am saddened by the selfishness and lack of love for one another in their hearts. These traits exist in my own heart, and they are magnified as I witness them in the boys. I know how to communicate with them regarding food, drink, clothing and other basic needs, but I really regret not learning more Creole that would help me communicate to them the hardness of their hearts. I am dealing with the outward behaviors, but I am not able to explain clearly to them the rationale behind discipline in a way that I'm certain they can understand. That really bothers me. I want them to understand why they behave the way they do, not just that's it's wrong. I want them to understand their need for a Savior and to experience the joy of knowing Christ when they are young- not at nearly 30 like me! I grew up thinking only of myself. I want so much more for them. Then again, God has already planned all their days including those when J & P will come to treasure Him. My lack of Creole vocab can't undermine His sovereignty. Thank goodness!
Still sometimes, when someone calls a bicycle a tomato, I just want to burst in to tears. They will often seem to learn a word, use it a lot, and then forget it the next day. Understand I am not upset with the boys for not learning English in five weeks! I just wish I were better versed in their language. The basic stuff they do every day, like taking baths, eating meals, getting dressed (the stuff I DID learn) is no longer of much use to us. They learned the English words for those things in just a couple weeks. I want to talk with them about more than just balls and potties. But I can't. So I can only repent for not studying harder and wait for their understanding of English to grow.
There is some "selective learning" going on. They've been taught, for example, what whining is- exactly what it looks and sounds like- countless times. But when someone does it and is told (in Creole) that it's not allowed they stare at me as if I'm speaking Charlie Brown's teacher's language. But show them one grape and let them taste it and they know the word grape forever! I find it hard to guide them when I can't be certain whether or not they truly understand something. I want to be fair. Were you ever punished for something that you did not understand? I was, and those confused, sad moments are permanently etched in my brain. I don't want the boys to have memories like those.
Oh, and speaking of that- the stuff that sticks. Isn't that SO scary for any parent? Isn't it odd the memories that end up being with you forever? I remember my baby doll bottles behind a stack of newspapers when I was 3. Why do I remember that and virtually nothing else before kindergarten? I have often prayed, "Oh Lord, please erase that incident and my awful reaction to it from his little mind. Don't let that one stick!"
Well, I hear someone waking up... Hm. This has not been a very positive post. I really have lots of sweets and goodies to share, too. As soon as I get a chance.
13 comments:
no, not a bad mama! don't think that.
I don't know, but maybe try a mommy date with each of the boys, on seperate day's or hours. Give them all the gooey attention then. Then do the exact same for the other boy, so that they can't say you did more for one than the other.
just an idea....
Don't ever feel that we all just want to hear the happy, happy stuff and not the other because we will all one day eventually be going through it too. It will be easier knowing it's not just us.
Having never adopted a sibling group, I can't speak to the specific stuff you mention here. But when we brought Li'l Empress home, there was some similar behaviors from our two youngest. As if they were all learning anew their place in our hearts and their role in the family. It was similar to what they went thru when I brought the youngest bio home from the hospital.
I'd imagine that the negative behavior is how they know to get your attention. And until they feel more confident and secure in their new home and new roles and new life, some of it will continue. Some of it will be healed. Some of it will re-emerge with changes and stressors that occur in the process.
It's a huge change for you all. We've had Li'l Empress home 9 mos. now and I still feel the growing pains. But they are less painful and less obvious. And the sweet moments really do cover a lot of the hard times, don't they? One look at those little faces and I bet that they regularly melt Momma's heart into a big puddle of goo! Hold on to those moments with all your might. I'll be praying for you.
Cara I love, love, love your honesty. I will be honest with you and tell you that my two bio-kids exhibit the same rottenness. While we don't have the language barrier, we still have the same character issues to work on.
So, oddly, rejoice that they are actually acting quite 'typical'. We are sinners and that is never more evident than when watching siblings interact.
Keep on keepin' on. You are doing a great job.
I TOTALLY know what you are going through. I think the hardest part of the homecoming adjustment has been the communication barrier. And the whining. I thoroughly understand and will pray for you. (please say a prayer for me if you get a chance!) It is a lot of fun having them at home though, isn't it?
Hi Cara... Praying for insight and patience for you. I am CERTAIN this is just a phase. Some thoughts (bear in mind I have no kids of my own, basing this on my pediatric nursing experience) - try as much as possible to ignore bad behavior (if it's an ignorable offense) and give loads of praise and attention for good. (Tattling being bad, try ignoring.) Praise especially when they do something loving for the other, even if its just sharing a toy. Just a thought.
Best wishes! Stephanie Hill
What a fun ride! You are just getting started. It gets harder and more awesome.
I remember it took me quite a while to feel like I was the Mom to Joshua. Maybe that is just normal or I'm a bad Mama right there with you.
I can't help with the boys. I always am in awe of you amazing parents that adopt. It isn't a path the Lord has led us down at this point. So, I'll pray for you! Love hearing your updates!
You're a great mom, Cara, and I will pray for you. By His grace, He will truly use it all for their good. I always hoped my children would bicker less than they do, and I would love it if they didn't at all. But I assure you that the bickering will lessen and it's totally normal. You have plenty of time! The fruit doesn't come right away, in a tree or a child.
Sounds consistent with having toddlers to me! Don't beat yourself up. I don't know how much of it is a language barrier either, because Theo can ignore English when it's convenient, and it's the only language he knows.
We still struggle with the kids wanting to be the center of attention. If I give one something the other one wants it, if I hug one the other is lined up waiting for their turn, if one is talking the other tries to drown them out with their own stories. I think in the orphanage they got the most attention when they were naughty & basically ignored when they were being good.
I struggled a lot with this & admit I didn't always handle it well. It does get better but we still deal with some of those behaviors over a year later.
I can sympathize & it will get better eventually.
Hugs, Laur
Cara, thank you for this.
Sounds like you have some pretty typical toddler behavior going on. (selective learning/listening, tattling, jealous over attention) compounded by a language barrier and getting to know each other.
I know your heart, and you want to teach them the reasons behind the behavior etc. However, you have to remember they are toddlers. There are lots of adults who don't get the selfishness/hardness of our hearts things, at times. Very difficult concept to understand, let alone to explain to toddlers.
Thank God for His grace and mercy. As long as you pray and point those boys toward God, everything will work out.
It's hard to believe it's already been five weeks, it's one of those time warp things, isn't it?
You are an awesome mom! And one day you'll wake up barely remembering the time without them.
For Mama Bear or you when you are most frustrated:
Ooops! Pa Booday (oops, no whining!!!!) Said about 100 times a day here still!! We actually put it to nursery rhyme songs, and sing it to them to lighten the crazy cycles!!!
Hang in there. Right now all they need to know is they need to obey Mommy! The whys will come.
I'm sorry for the frustrating days, but SO overjoyed that your days are full of moments good and not so much about the boys, not lonliness wishing for them.
Love you!~h
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