You know those parents who don't allow all friends & family members to immediately hold or otherwise intimately care for their adopted children? I thought we could get away with not doing that. I was wrong.
It seemed harmless- just a bit of extra affection for children who've been starving for it for a long time, right? Maybe in some cases, but last night I saw it turn ugly. One of the boys learned that by giving our friends his most pathetic orphan look and raising his arms to be picked up that he could manipulate them with ease. Last night he ate enough food for five people by going from lap to lap, claiming to be hungry. It took us a while to realize what was happening since Papa was outside with the guys and Mama was inside with the ladies. It wasn't until we left the barbecue that we determined that he'd made multiple rounds inside and out. There were many times when I stopped people from feeding him. I'm sure they thought I was being cruel, but they didn't know he'd already had two chicken legs, tons of fruit, a large salad, garlic bread, potato salad and more- twice what I had eaten myself, and I was stuffed! And he'd had a large snack before we ever left home because I wasn't sure what time the bbq would be ready. I thought I was doing something positive by letting him socialize and get a few snuggles, but in reality I was helping him to feed his inner monster, literally. But gluttony was not the big issue. It was the lack of respect shown to our friends and to us. To them I'm sure it looked like the poor dear just wanted some food and a warm lap, but I saw the greed in his eyes and I heard him use rude, demanding Creole words which are forbidden at our house - words I haven't heard him speak in a month! He'd been waiting weeks for an opportunity to say them again- to give orders to adults unfamiliar with our rules and his language. He delighted as they unknowingly gratified his desire to dominate them. Oh, the depths of our sinfulness! Besides gorging himself he repeatedly whined in Creole for water, which he is required to ask for respectfully in English at home. He was careful to avoid eye contact with me, absolutely aware that he was out of line. Our friends did not know they were being used. The manipulation was skillful, frighteningly so.
So we have determined not to allow others to hold or feed him for the present. If you are a friend of ours, please understand. He needs consistency and close supervision that's just not possible when he's being passed from lap to lap. He also needs to understand that Mama and Papa will supply all his physical and emotional needs- that that's why God put him in our family. Last, it is imperative that he learn that adults (whether friends or strangers) are not nannies. It scares me to death to think he would willingly go with anyone who offered him Cheetos or a hug. But he would. Not a moment's hesitation. So if you see us out in public and he asks you for affection or food- please give him a high five and kindly direct him back to us. Thanks for understanding!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
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13 comments:
I think you are on the right track! We've gone back and forth on what to do with this issue, but I think I will be following your lead.
You guys are rockin!
We still struggle with Joshua being overly social to everyone. He's an out and out pest alot of times.
Amazing, isn't it? Kids are the same all over the world. Kudos to you and Greg for being consistent.
I found it to be helpful to put children in a stroller and strap them in when I needed to monitor them even though they may normally have been a bit big for a stroller.
I know how scary this can be. When we adopted our girls years ago, they would approach and engage complete strangers if we were out and about. It's hard with family and friends, but you are right to keep your boys close. You and Greg need to be their sole source of provision and comfort for now. Not everyone will understand, but that's okay. Attachment takes time and work.
Love,
Trish D.
Excellent decision! People will not understand but it does not matter what others think of you. It only matters that you are doing the right thing and following what God is asking you to do.
We still have to do this with both Landon and Sutton... even after being home since Aug 2005. The stroller idea is great. Sutton is almost 5 but we still keep her in a stroller when out at functions.
I agree with Gail & Kathy. You keep doing what you need to do. I've had to do that with my three. It's especially hard with Shakira because they naturally feel sorry for her & they say, "It's okay", & I say, "No...it's not. She needs to abide by the rules & use good manners just like everyone else."
Just wanted to encourage you as well. Our little man, home 18 months, will still look for opportunities to manipulate people into getting what he wants, all the while on the lookout for me because he knows it's not okay. Our constant supervision has borne fruit, however, and it will with you and your little man. Hang in there, and be assured that you know your child better than anyone...you will know when it's true affection and when it's manipulation.
It's okay to grit your teeth and be annoyed with it - the blatant selfishness in a child who, given a mama's guidance earlier, would know better, is a little hard to handle and seems like a personal affront to our sensibilities. God is working patience in us and showing us our own sin!
In the trenches with you-
Casey
Great post, Cara! You are a very wise mama!
Cara,
I just wanted to encourage you too. Casey said it well. Even after a year we still deal with the manipulation and attention seeking especially in larger social settings, but it is so much better than a year ago.
Your story brought back a vivid memory of after we had our kids home for 6 wks and went to a large family gathering. It is sometimes the hardest on grandparents, but ultimately as the parent we have to do what we know is best for them. I want to encourage you to not second guess yourself...others will often not understand, but you and Greg are who God chose to be their Mama and Daddy and no one knows them like you.
Much love and prayers,
The Shiflets
Good choice. We did much of the same, and truthfully, still do. We really took about 6-8 months "off" of outside obligations and other "socializing" for Li'l Empress to really bond and attach to first and primarily US. It was hard on me, as I'm really social, but it's paid off in big dividends. She's very confident that we will always be there for her and she's very comfortable having her sibs attend to her as well as Daddy and Mommy.
I think we might have come at it a bit differently, however. We certainly recognize the inherent sinful nature (of all our kids!) but we worked really hard to recognized that lack of confidence, security and trust were the things that created her early negative behaviors (or the need to control her environment by the negative behaviors). With that in mind, it has helped me to respond to her hitting or glaring or other negatives with a compassion that I (unfortunately!) did not have with my bio kids. Parenting her this way has made me more open and understanding now with my bio kids, and I'm more likely now to look for the "why" behind certain negatives. NOT to say that I don't deal with the sin issue but I dig around more for why it came out that particular way. And it certainly has made the bio kids all very compassionate and tender toward her when they see her acting out negatively. I love that they just shower her with love and affection and build her up now.
I am sure it is hard for others to understand if they don't know a lot about attachment, but keeping them close is exactly what you need to do for them. Just keep praising them when they come to you and use respect....great job.
Sorry you had to be one of us. :(
You can use my letter on attachinghearts if it will help with family/friends.
XO
Cate
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